In a recent radio broadcast, The Onion news correspondent Doyle Redland reported that US Circuit Court Judge Charles Elliot Schofield has “ordered God to break himself up into several less powerful deities.” saying that his “stranglehold” on the religious industry “is ‘blatantly anti-competitive’ and ‘in violation of anti-monopoly laws.'”  Redland was present at a press conference given by the judge, who ruled that God is “in violation of anti-monopoly laws.” and accused him of “willfully and actively thwarted competition with such unfair scare tactics and in the process has carved out for himself an illegal monotheopoly.”

Such is the degeneracy of this age that even bastions of journalistic integrity like The Onion must at times yield to the seductive allure of sensationalism and the relentless pressure of secular prejudice. We at White Horse Inn, being dutiful cogs in Christ’s religious industry, consider it only appropriate that we should speak out in defense of our autocrat.

Against the Pagan Deities
These ‘gods’ (i.e., Baal, Asherah, and Molech) have consistently and unequivocally, in true and equal combat, proven themselves inferior in power to our Lord (1 Kings 18). They have treated human beings with total disregard and unstinting cruelty by paying heed to neither our sinful estate nor our cries for help in times of distress and suffering (1 Kings 18), and yet have required worship and reverence of an abhorrent and violent nature (i.e., the sacrifice of our own infants and the mutilation of our bodies).

In Response To The Accusations
From the foundations of the earth, our Lord has openly and clearly made his position on the rights of other ‘gods’ to be worshipped in like manner to himself known (Exo. 20, Deu. 5).  He therefore cannot be rightly accused of ‘unfairly scaring’ lesser ‘gods’ into relinquishing their right to an equal status with himself, and we respectfully submit that if said ‘gods’ were compelled into submission, it was and continues to be a function of their essential inferiority (Isa. 41:21-29), and not a result of conspiracy or manipulation on behalf of our Lord.

In Defense of Monotheopolies
Having established the fallibility and worthlessness of said pretended ‘gods’ and the manifest superiority of the risen Christ, we protest his inalienable and absolute right to hold a monotheopoly and maintain his stranglehold on deity now and henceforth.  His unity (Deu. 4:35), eternal power (Rom. 1:20), and holiness all bear witness to the propriety, justice, and wisdom of such an arrangement – if his innumerable perfections do not demand it, surely his unfailing and careful love deserve it.  Being so far from demanding arbitrary and capricious servitude from his creatures, he has deigned to give good gifts to his children, binding even his most sacred name in self-maledictory covenant to ensure not only their preservation and prosperity, but even their salvation and eternal life (Gen. 15).

-Brooke Mintun

Brooke Mintun is the satirist in residence at White Horse Inn and voted today for King Jesus.